I have finally lost track of the days since my mom picked up the phone to call me. If I took a guess, I would say, 2013.
Shortly after I left my first marriage, I moved into an apartment in Midtown Sacramento. I lived there for three 1/2 years; she visited one time. The other engagements I hosted, she declined... well, she didn't show up and my dad declined for her when he came alone.
I would have welcomed her over anytime, and I was excited to share with her the local dining and events that happened all around my home.
I lived 30minutes from their house, a quick drive down 50 was all it took to get to my place. She made efforts all the time to see her sister who lived over an hours drive and it broke my heart listening to her telling me all about her shopping visit(s) with her sister. I was never in her circle; I so wanted to be part of her life.
People always tell me what I need to say or do in this situation but until they have lived in my shoes, there is no possible way to say or do anything for change. I secretly get mad as it seems their understanding is something that is easily mended. She is not a reasonable person and she does not care.
After listening to her stories about visiting her sister, I got enough courage to tell her I wanted her to call me and go shopping with me or do lunch. I started crying because it was hard for me to confront her for fear of retribution. She smirked, laughed, and said I was an awful child. I left it at that.
By this time in my life, halfway to the end, I realize that I am unwanted by the people I want the most. No matter what, I am not important.
Most interesting is that there are only two of us, so I cannot understand how it is so easy to forget and go on with your day; I am not alive.
The isolation is distracting as fuck and painful at times yet each day, I grab another smile out of the junk drawer. Expressing what I "really" think is another piece of the puzzle. Too afraid to call out the pain for fear of being a baby, too afraid to call out the abuse for fear of not being wanted. Easy to be taken advantage of. I never fight back.
That is the crazy shit that goes on in my mind. I never had the upbringing from a self confident person to make sure I was raised in an environment of loving ones self. I was never good enough, smart enough, too fat, too stupid, and lacked confidence defending non compliant thinking. My parents were smarter than me and I must do as they want because I do not know any better. How may of us are living like that?
I do realize the achievements I accomplished but I am very humble and tend not to discuss said accomplishments because:
1) No one really cares what I have done
2) I will be perceived as a show-off
3) I don't deserve bragging rights
4) I may hurt (other) feelings
5) Other people are more important than me
Will I ever be considered?
